A faith journey by Giovanna Moses.
Four years ago I never would have voluntarily sat next to someone 'retarded.' (You can't say that word any more, you can't hardly find it in print and activists are trying to erase it from vernacular) but 4 years ago it existed and I was afraid of it. I didn't know anyone retarded and I didn't understand the strange sounds and moans they made in the grocery store. I'm not sure of what I was afraid of, but I didn't make nice smiles at them or their parents. I'd look away.
But then my pregnancy happened and I was handed a prenatal diagnosis that we MIGHT have a baby with Down Syndrome. That shook me to the core. I prayed like I've never prayed before. And like you often hear, in times of trouble people turn to God. Great. I turned to him. I pleaded and I wanted what I wanted. I wanted a healthy baby, like everyone wants. As long as it's healthy, everyone says, as long as it's healthy. I'm certain you prayed that prayer too, if you use prayer and talk to God. And yet, I wasn't mature enough in my relationship with God to know that He doesn't always give you what you want, that you can ask and ask, but that he may have different plans. Up to this point in my life, I prayed often, surely, but our goals were always aligned. Sure I believed God had a plan for me, and I had read that Footprints In The Sand poem enough times to have it memorized. I had it hanging on my wall since adolescence. Somehow during my pregnancy I was so focused on what I wanted, and more so what I didn't want, that I failed to ask God what He wanted for my life. What did He have planned? And more so would I have the strength to make it through that? Would He have to carry me, and would He please because I just didn't think I could do it alone? No, I just prayed an anti prayer, a don't-let-this-happen prayer, a let-it-happen-to-other-stronger-bigger-hearted-less-selfish-than-me prayer. But, God had different plans and Katherine was born, to me, imperfect me, unstrengthed me. I hadn't asked for strength, even though that's what I needed most, but you know what, my friends had prayed for me. The small handful of friends I told about this fear of mine prayed for my strength, I know it. And I thank you. The first few months of accepting God's plan were hard for me. So hard! Why had He abandoned me? Sure, you can pray to God, but it's wasted effort, I'd say. I can't believe how jaded and immature in my faith I still was. I wanted things my way, like a child stomping her foot, shaking my hands at Heaven. I tried, though, to mother, to parent. I loved my child and our love grew. At nine months, I was better some, she was behind in all of typical milestones, but she was making some normal progressions, just late. At her first birthday, I cried more, still in shock that this burden was mine, but I was surrounded by friends who held me up every step of the way. We were loved and it was going to be ok. I still didn't understand God's plan for me yet.
Then came Katherine's Cancer diagnosis, and oddly enough, I didn't curse the heavens this time. There wasn't time. Treatment started immediately and I got to spend 35 days straight with my little girl in the hospital and I loved it. I prayed for her doctors, for her tolerance of the medicines, for the other kids in the unit. But I never asked, "Why is this happening?" I prayed that she would live, sure, but even that struck me as odd because I had prayed so often that she not be the person that she was. Now, I wanted her to live?! Just as she is?! So, I blogged about her journey in her voice and through the course of that year, I asked other people to pray for her too. Then, I was glimpsing it. Katherine was bringing people to God. She was a tool He was using to bring people to Him. Her extra chromosome had nothing to do with me. My wants, my fears, my tearful prayers, were lost because God had a bigger plan. What are we here for anyway? It isn't so that we can live, love, learn and eventually hope to pay off our education, cars and mortgage. It's to glorify God. We are here to use the gifts He has given us to glorify Him. How short sighted I had been. When I realized that she was His instrument, I finally was able to embrace her with my whole heart, feeling so lucky and so blessed.
There is one more tier to my personal growth and faith journey and it really echoes what I've done so far and that is acceptance. Yesterday, I was invited to lunch with the Archbishop of Milwaukee, Archbishop Jerome Listecki. He hosted a lunch honoring the 10 most influential people of 2014. How I got chosen, I'll never know. I guess "Top 9" just sounds too silly as a headline for the Catholic Herald. I had thrown myself a blood drive birthday party to collect blood for people in need, for kids like Katherine and all the kids at Childrens Hospital of Wisconsin. The inspirational part of my story was Katherine, obviously, that God was using her to spread the good news, to bring people to prayer and to smile when there are trials ahead. The other honorees are simply amazing human beings. We met people who have faced real adversity without losing their faith and people who are so selflessly dedicated to service and giving to others. Here's where my a-ha moment happened, I chose to sit with Nicholas, a high school student who played Jesus in the live action Stations of the Cross at his church last year. Nick has a rare form of cerebral palsy and is non verbal. That's not to say he doesn't communicate and isn't brilliant. He communicates with his eyes, his head and he's a 4.0 student. He is a happy kid; he's just not a typical kid. He is wheel chair bound. He has jerky arm movements, dramatic face contortions and excessive drooling, but he's just as much God's creation as you and me and Katherine Mary Grace. He too has brought people to God. His mother said that there wasn't a dry eye in the church as Nick cried out to God. I can only imagine. Over the course of a meal, I got to talk to Nick's parents and they are remarkable people. They were honored to be 'riding Nick's coattails once again!' Apparently he's quite a celebrity. And rightly so. We are all God's children. We are all worthy of life and respect and love. And even though our lives may not play out the way we had initially planned, there's no joy in complaining about it. The real joy is in buckling up and enjoying the ride. Ultimately, God wants us to be happy. He wants us to glorify Him and enjoy the gifts He's given to us. It has taken me 40 full years to learn this lesson and that in itself is a gift worth sharing. Thanks for sharing it with me. If interested, you can celebrate my birthday with me again this year, as I've decided to host another blood drive and bone marrow match drive in June. Watch for details and I hope to see you there.
Enjoy the ride!!!
Location:Enjoy the ride!
